#A man can walk proudly down in the street
#A man's not ashamed of what he believes
#He knows how to laugh He knows when to cry
#He knows how to live
#He's not afraid to die
# What is a man? What is a man?
# What is a man? What is a man? #
Hello, Len.
Maurie! Well, how's things? You look very smart.
What are you doin' up here? You got one on?
- No, tomorrow afternoon. - Oh.
I'm just making sure it's all, you know, on the money.
Shouldn't you be in there?
No, no, I've a superintendent managing the actual sendoff.
Got another one due in a minute. I'm watching the bigger picture.
Maurie, what are you talkin' about?
I'm DRB's operations executive now, Len.
- DRB? - Yeah, the people who own me.
Didn't you know? I sold up.
- No, I... No. - Oh, yes.
It's always been a family business,
but this company, they're moving in all over Britain.
They're Yanks. They made me a very good offer, so...
I'm still involved.
Isn't it all a bit, um, conveyor belt, though, Maurie,
I mean, considering how you liked to work?
The thing is, Len,
the more I shift, the more I'm free
for those grieving at the back of the queue, aren't I?
It's good that this is happening, if you look at it globally.
Yeah, I see, but...
of course, you're not gettin' any younger.
And then there's the 25 grand a year in me pocket.
- How much? - That's what it's worth.
The more jobs, the more cash, innit?
Simple mathematics.
(ORGAN PLAYS)
Do you reckon they'll last, Mum, till the wedding?
Course they will, as long as you avoid heavy manual labour,
which, as a female member of the Green family, is your duty anyway.
- There we go. - Hang on, what's the damage?
Don't be silly, I'm paying.
- Mum! - Mum, you're not, it's too much.
I am.
Thank you. I want to.
- Yeah, but we can manage. - No buts. It's my day.
Mum, Dad isn't exactly pullin' it in hand over fist now, is he?
He does very nicely, thank you.
I'm afraid there's a problem with the card, madam.
Is there?
Cash, then.
Mum!
Takings aren't just for emergencies, are they?
Right, then, let's hit the shops.
Uncle Irwin? I've been thinking.
We're never going to be rich, are we?
It's not why we became undertakers, Leonard.
Yeah, I know that. All the same, we wouldn't be, er...
any the less professional
if we were to look at the bigger picture, would we?
I suppose not.
So how about implementing a few changes? Working practices.
That casket, for instance - you could pin and glue it, couldn't you?
I don't wanna use bad language, Uncle Irwin, but you could.
Instead of mitring them. That would increase our productivity massively.
- Our productivity? - Uncle Irwin,
in layman's terms, we are not shepherding enough people
through the Valley of the Shadow in any given week to earn a decent living.
You must have given it some thought in the past, pulling in a few more.
I suppose a few extra pounds is always useful, Leonard,
but we do have our standards.
That's the point, Irwin.
We would be maintaining our standards, improving 'em even,
by working more efficiently.
Now, come on, Uncle Irwin. Let me have a stab it. Just for a week or two.
Let me freshen things up a bit.
All right.
- Hello. - LEN: Hi.
- Good day? - Yeah, potentially.
- Been shoppin'? - Yeah.
I've got us a bit of a treat for tonight.
- Special offer. - Lovely.
- I think I've earned it today as well. - Go on, what you done?
I had a word with Irwin.
I said, "Look, it's about time we moved into the 21 st century,
"started running the place properly."
- What did he say? - Well, he agreed.
It's like what Maurie said to me.
If you look at it logically, profit benefits everyone.
Starting with us.
Rabbit, Oy... Don't look at me like that, Oy.
Oy, Len, it's just that we usually...
Oy, "usually" is not a word I wanna hear round here any more.
It spells unprofitable. Don't even think about it, Rabbit.
Leonard, you're here.
- I am indeed. - Good.
Just explain to me, will you, why have you called the lads in at this hour?
First one's not till 12.30.
Actually, first one's at 10 o'clock, Uncle Irwin.
Then we've got a midday-er, a 1.45.
The 12.30's been pushed back till 3, after which there's just a 4.30,
and that's that.
I just took the liberty of making one or two arrangements yesterday afternoon,
only I wasn't sure until this morning whether they were gonna pan out...
Pan out? We're talking about families in extremis, Leonard,
not the new defence formation down the Loftus Road.
Yes, I know that, Uncle Irwin.
And I handled everything with the requisite amount of decorum,
I can assure you.
The most we do is three, Len. And even then, we're tight on the last one.
That's because we're stuck in a rut, Carl.
A few minor adjustments and we'll pull in those extra jobs, no bother. Trust me.
(BELL TOLLS)
(WHISPERS) Quicker.
Quicker.
Psst, Carl.
- What? - Pick it up.
- Eh? - Faster.
There's funereal and there's stationary.
We're tending towards the latter. Pick it up.
- Why, what's happening? - Just keep it up.
Go on! Go on, Irwin.
- What, may I ask, was all that about? - Do you know how much extra money
we've made already today? It's not even lunchtime yet.
Where are you going?!
I've gotta meet the girls... family business, Hope's wedding - I promised.
Don't worry. I'll be back before the next one.
Exquisite, aren't they?
Chinese silk, hand-stitched.
Oh, Mum!
Oh!
Mm, just look!
Mum.
- Oh, my God! Hope. - Do you like it?
You look beautiful!
FAITH: It's fantastic!
You can see the difference, can't you?
- And you can really feel it as well. - It's the cut.
Especially in your condition. Irons out all the bumps.
- Oh, I love it, Mum. - Come here.
Oh, Mum.
Oh!
LEN: I'm not late, am I?
- Dad... Dad, look at this dress. - And these shoes, they're silk.
Hang on, one at a time, one at a time, please.
Hope, you look...
- exquisite. - GLORIA: Doesn't she just, though, Len?
Wait a minute. That's not the one you showed me last time, is it?
I do still have that somewhere... in the back.
No. No, Velda. No.
Len, look at it. Annette Bening got married in one like that.
Yeah, it's lovely, it's nice, but I thought the other one was nice.
- I could dig it out quite quickly. - No, we don't wanna see it.
Dad, look, this is them. Aren't they amazing?
- Oh, my God! - I just saw 'em.
They're perfect!
They are a more suitable match for that particular dress
- if you were to stick with it. - We are doing.
- Mr Green, I should say it is £500... - Oh.
...more expensive... - What?
...than the original. - Yeah.
But we can offer credit facilities if that would be more...
No, no. No need. No - cash. It's what I prefer.
I can have it, Dad? I can have this dress?
- Of course. - And the shoes?
Yeah, of course the shoes. Hope, you're my baby. You can have whatever you like.
- Dad... - Oh, now, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Look, I've gotta...
Gloria, whatever you think. I mean, the rest, it all seems great.
You don't need my advice.
You know, I've got such a busy day. So I'll see you all later.
Bye, Dad, thanks.
You all right, mate?
I'm banjaxed.
- Magic. We're bang on. - Terrific.
That's £123.50, and that's in a day, Carl. Think where we'll be by Friday.
- In there at this rate, Len. - Bloody hell! Come on, lighten up, lads.
I've told you, the wealth will filter down. There's a bonus coming Friday.
Stand by your beds.
(SOBBING)
- Right, then, wagons roll. - Leonard, we haven't finished here yet.
Obviously. I don't mean them. I mean you and me.
While they take the punters to reception, we can get the next one ready. Come on.
(WHISPERS) Leonard. (WHISPERS MORE LOUDLY) Leonard!
This isn't Le Mans.
We're not supposed to run across the tarmac and leap in.
Very well.
I said you could have your head, and so you can, only I don't like it.
I want you to know that, Leonard. I don't like it at all!
Furthermore, we're overdue our lunch by a long shot.
And increased productivity or not, I intend to have some food, Leonard,
as is my statutory right as one of the sons of toil.
Go on, Uncle Irwin. Whatever you like. You've earned it.
LEN: Double bacon burger and chips, please.
Mummy!
Yes, hello. IA Green and Son.
Foxy lady!
Gorgeous hat.
Thank you very much, bye.
How much is it?
Phew! It's expensive. Let's have another look.
- That's nice. - That's awful!
(PHONE RINGS)
Excellent. No, we can do that. I'll do the paperwork and get right back to you.
(MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH)
(PHONE RINGS)
No gain without pain.
- Haven't you got enough yet, Mum? - Enough for what?
- Well, I dunno... to stop? - You are funny.
Mum. Mum, I've had it!
- What is it, love? - Nothing... not with me.
You're behaving all odd.
What are you talking about?
Spend, spend, spend, Mum - the Viv Nicholson impersonation!
Oh, it's true, Mum - look at that lot.
After yesterday, we was only supposed to be coming in today to look at the dress.
Well, if that's how you both feel, we'll get straight home.
Don't be like that. We're... we're worried.
There's nothing to worry about, I'm fine.
I've always spent money when I'm excited.
Maybe you two don't remember, but I always have,
and this wedding of yours, Hope,
so soon after Dad comin' out...
It's my girl gettin' married, and my husband's gonna be there,
not handcuffed to some gorilla in navy blue, like he was for your big day, love.
If this isn't the time for a bit of a blowout, I don't know when is!
I'm sorry if it's not very pretty. It's what I do when I'm happy.
Which is they way I thought you'd want me to be.
I'm sorry, Mum.
Yeah, and me, Mum. Look, we never meant to...
I know you never meant... I'm sorry - I got carried away.
Are we still friends?
- Mum? Are you all right? - Hope, look at that.
Oh, thanks, Mum, but I don't think it's really me.
Not you - me.
I'm so sorry, Daniel, I... I really am.
- We're booked solid... - (PHONE RINGS)
I can certainly recommend Maguire's.
You always do us, though, Irwin. You must be able to make room.
Come on, Uncle Irwin, shake a leg.
Oh, Daniel, um, I'm sorry, I... Do you mind if I, um?
Hello, IA Green and Son, how may I help you?
I'm sorry, Daniel. Go to Maguire's or the Co-op
and see him off with a company that can give you the space you truly deserve.
May I just ask you to hold on a moment, please? Thank you.
- Is there a problem? - No, Leonard. No, no.
Daniel wanted us to take care of his brother who, sadly, has passed away.
Of course we can. Of course we can do that.
- But we haven't the room. - We'll make room...
for Daniel, one of our oldest, most valuable customers.
If we can't find a bit of space for Daniel...
I'll be so grateful if you could. I mean, in the past, Irwin, you've always...
- It won't be like that. - Trust us, Daniel,
we won't let you down, whatever it takes.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
Hello. Sorry about that.
Yes, we can.
Mind you, it may have to be quite early in the morning.
I'm sorry, Daniel. What was I thinking?
No. No, that's no trouble...
IRWIN: Leonard's right. All that history we share,
your family and IA Green's. Of course we'll take care of you
and in a fitting manner.
Thank you, Irwin. Thank you.
I'll call you this afternoon. Again, our thoughts are with you.
Thank you.
LEN: Lovely. No, that won't be a problem. We won't let you down.
Goodbye.
Ker-ching!
That is gorgeous!
We nearly bought something very like it years ago.
Your dad wanted to get it for me, but I said no.
It was before we'd got the house. This was Osprey's.
It was exactly like this - design, the stones.
I suppose I should think about it.
Yeah, Mum, you should. Absolutely.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, excuse me.
Eight and a half grand, Mum. Come on, be sensible.
So, madam, how do we feel?
Yeah. I will, I'll leave it for now. I'm not certain, so...
- I may well come back. - Just as you wish, madam.
- Thanks for your help. - My pleasure, madam.
WOMAN: Mr Collins!
- Taxi! - Excuse me.
Mum! Come on, we'll be late.
- How's the birthday girl? - Very well...
Mum, hurry up!
My heart therefore is glad, and spirit rejoices.
My body also shall rest in hope.
You will show me the path of life. In your presence, there is...
(THUD)
...fullness of joy.
Amen.
(WHISPERS) Come on, then, boys.
Nice one, lads. Another day to go, and that's it - first week under our belts.
Len, can I say something on behalf of all of us?
Well, if it's about bonuses, Carl, forget it, cos you lads have deserved it.
No, Len, it ain't that. It's just that...
when we first started working here, it was cos of Mickey, you know that.
- Yeah. - Only... well...
We got to quite like it, Len.
Yeah, and people, they're ever so grateful for the kindnesses you show them and...
And?
All right, Uncle...
Well?
You've taken the goodness out of it, Len.
And no amount of bonuses can make up for that.
(SOBS)
Oh, surely not!
- Len, OK? - I'm saying,
I can't believe you're still wearing them same old clothes,
not when you've just bought a load of lovely new stuff.
What are you talkin' about?
I've just counted the takings, Glor. You've been at 'em again.
- No. - Gloria, I'm not stupid.
I know how much should be there. What is the matter with you?
Don't speak to me like that.
How am I supposed to speak to you? You don't listen to me.
For the last time, Gloria, you've gotta stop throwin' cash around
like it was... like it was confetti.
I don't earn that sort of money any more, Glor.
You've gotta start livin' like a... like an undertaker's wife.
And how does one of them live, exactly, Len?
Frugally.
"Dare to be different."
You used to say that to me, Len, when we was first courtin'.
It became our motto.
It's why we went where we went, bought what we bought.
We were saying, "Look at us!
"We're not Mr and Mrs Gangster, living out in Chingford
"with a his and hers Mercedes. We're classier than that."
That's why you encouraged me to make them trips
to shop at... Yves Saint Laurent and Biba.
You can't just force a genie back in the bottle, Len.
You can't expect me to fall meekly into line
and survive on a weekly diet
of Freemans catalogues with a run out to Marks & Sparks when the devil's got me.
I'm not saying that. That's not what I mean.
Do you think it brings me pleasure, saying it? Course it doesn't.
I love it when you... indulge yourself, but we can't afford it any more.
We just can't.
And that's why this spending has finally got to stop once and for all.
Do you understand me, Gloria?
Please.
All right.
Mean it, Gloria, not just say it.
All right!
I'm sorry.
- It's hard, you know, Len, I... - I know, I know. And I hate to...
hate to have to tell you to cut back. But it's not forever, is it?
I am sorting the parlour out, starting to take in some proper cash.
A year or two from now, who knows? But just for the minute, eh?
Yeah, understand.
Len...
...can I have one last thing?
Before I knock it all on the head for good.
What? What are you after?
A bracelet.
All right.
We'll take a look at it Saturday. But then, that's it.
It's all right, I've got it here.
See, I got it for you to look at.
Bloody hell, Gloria!
- Remember the? - Yeah, Osprey's.
How much do they want for that, then?
Eight and a half thousand. I bet they'd take eight, for cash.
Where's the box?
Where's the box, Gloria?
There wasn't a box, Len.
Stuff like that? They just let you wander out the shop with it?
What sort of a place is that? Get your coat. Come on, we'll just about make it.
- Len... - Look, it's going back.
We can't.
- What? - We can't take it back.
- Why can't we? - They don't know I've got it.
Oh, you're not serious?
I meant to pay, Len, just not then.
I thought, once you'd had a good look at it, seen how lovely it is,
it'd just be a question of sending a cheque.
Get in the car. Now.
Just get in the car.
- You nearly hit that tree. - So? Buy another motor.
- Buy a couple, why don't you?! - Len, I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
- It's not the end of the world, is it? - It is now.
Gold bracelet with diamonds and rubies.
Come on.
Dad, you reckon Mum ought to get a couple of tattoos done?
You know what Holloway's like - she don't want to stand out, does she?
Charity, we are in a middle of a crisis. That doesn't help.
We should've just carried on last night. Explained.
I've got a record. As soon as they found out that I was your husband...
I've been thinking, Len, what if they start checking up?
There was a fingerprint man there last night.
- So? - Isle of Wight, detectives in the crowd,
Bob Dylan, Like A Rolling Stone, you unconscious,
me found to be carrying
- certain banned substances. - Mum!
- £25 fine, caution. - And they took my fingerprints!
Oh, my God!
You aren't really going to go to prison, are you, Mum?
LEN: No. No, she's not.
It'll be all right. Um... I'll think of something.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
That'll be Carl. Don't worry.
I'll sort it out.
You still reckon he did it for real?
And you've only had 18.
Mickey.
Cool Hand Luke - he had that film above Hud as Newman's finest role,
because of his boiled-egg-eating prowess. He never ate them eggs, Len.
It was a stuntman!
Mickey, please.
I need a favour. Now, don't start, it's not for me, it's for Gloria.
- Why? What's happened? - She's nicked something.
Gloria has?
She's not feelin' herself,
you know, at the moment, with the wedding and that.
She's stressed out and she saw this bracelet.
Right. Yeah, I'm with you, Len.
So you want me to value it, flog it on?
No, I don't.
I want help to put it back.
It's a jeweller's, off Sebastian Street.
We need to get in there, mess the place up a bit, make it look like a raid,
and dump the bracelet back, and then when they take an inventory,
well, they'll turn the piece up again
and they'll put it down to some clerical cockup.
- Yeah, all right. When are we talking? - Tonight.
They're runnin' fingerprint checks, Mickey.
# Once upon a time You dressed so fine... #
You're under arrest.
Isle of Wight. You remember that, do you?
- Traumatic, weren't it? - Yeah, it was. So what do you reckon?
Well, it's askin' a lot, Len, at such short notice - men, tools...
All right, all right. What's it gonna take?
MICKEY: Eh?
What do you want me to do, Mickey?
I'll do it.
No, no, forget it, Len. Forget it.
It's Gloria, innit?
Like you say, it's... it's not for you...
it's for Gloria.
Yeah, for Gloria.
(DOOR SHUTS)
Whiskey, Len? Or would you prefer a lager?
What's goin' on?
Nothing. I've been sitting here thinking, that's all,
about the bracelet and gettin' all worried.
And then it suddenly struck me. Why am I worrying? We're supposed to keep it.
- Gloria! - Just give it to that bloke.
What was his name? The fence.
- Beechers? - Give it to Beechers.
Let him move it on, and all our money problems are sorted.
Probably even be a bit left over once they've settled things for the odd treat.
Gloria, we're having nothing to do with that bracelet. You stole it.
It's fate! The police already being there when we went back.
- No! No way! - We need the money.
Not that kind, we don't.
That jeweller may be an ordinary bloke,
trying to make an honest living, just like me. We're not gonna rip him off.
I'm taking it back tonight, before your prints appear on some computer or other.
Takin' it back?
Yeah, it's all been arranged. Me and the lads.
- Len. - Look, it's best.
You'll be fine. And then after that, no more madness.
I'll talk to you later.
(WHISPERS) Len, don't move.
- (WHISPERS) All right, Rabbit? - (WHISPERS) OK, in position.
(CLATTERING)
- We're in. - Nice one, Oy(!)
Carl...
Keep behind me.
28...
28.
Shh!
(CLATTERING)
(WHISPERS) Shh! Shut it!
OY: Oy, Mickey, I've landed in something really horrible
and I ain't had my tetanus jab.
MICKEY: Shut up, Oy. You've fallen over in the bogs down The Bob before, haven't you?
- Yeah, I think so. - Well, then, you're immune.
Here, 28. Yeah, that's it.
- How are we gonna? - Drill, Rabbit.
- What about the noise? - No worries.
A quick blast and we're in.
- Give it here, then. - Carl, go for it.
Stand clear.
- It's a pneumatic. - That's why we got it.
- No. I mean... - It needs a compressor!
- Eh? - To make it bloody work!
- You cretin! - You said "drill".
I asked him for a getaway car. He made sure it'd got an engine in it.
Don't worry about that now, Mickey. Look, how the hell are we gonna get in there?
(CLANGING)
I'm gonna end up back in the nick, I can feel it.
There'll be nobody about this time in the morning. It'll be fine.
I couldn't sleep.
Are you all right?
Oh, course.
Not like I haven't been here before, is it?
Shall I sit with you?
No, no. You go to bed. I'll be fine.
Yeah. Will you, please, Charity?
And call your sisters.
- Oy, we're through. We've done it. - Well done, lads.
Now, remember, straight in, cause a mess, straight out again.
- What's that for? - Whackin' stuff, Len.
- Right, then. Death or glory, lads. - I know which I'd prefer.
Three, two, one...
Geronimo!
Careful.
- (ALARM BLARES) - What's that?
- It's infrared. - LEN: I thought you'd checked!
Oh, God! Never mind that. Come on, let's get on with it.
Move it!
Wait a minute! Stop! Pack it in!
There's no point. It's the wrong shop.
- Hell! - We should've been next door.
Oy, that's bad luck, innit?
- What are we gonna do? - Get out, quick!
- Leg it! - Come on, Rabbit.
(DOOR OPENS)
Oh, Mum! I come as quick as I could.
Gav's out - work. I had to cab it. Are you OK?
Yeah, you know, just worried.
We were saying, it's all gonna be fine. I mean, he knows what he's doin' and...
Yeah, yeah, that's right, he'll be all right, there's no question.
This is different, though, isn't it?
It feels different. You all being here, that's different.
Mum, you asked us. Yeah, I know. I know I did...
- Honest, Mum, he'll come home. - He will, she's right.
And then what is it you have?
Strawberries and champagne for breakfast?
Go out at night to celebrate?
CHARITY: You're old hands, Mum, you and Dad.
Yeah. It always works out, Mum, in the end.
Exactly. It doesn't always work out, though, does it?
That's the point.
(BIRDSONG)
Maybe he's gone straight to the parlour.
He'd have come home first.
Perhaps they had to hide somewhere.
He'd have rung.
All right, smartarse, what do you think he's doing?
Come on, shh!
- Is he here? - No. No, he isn't.
Oh, you happy breed!
- Oy, to be fair... - No, Oy.
All I'm saying is, his map reading's always been a bit dodgy.
- Dodgy? - Right, so what now?
We go home, we get changed, we go to work. It's daylight.
We keep our heads down, we act normal.
- Yeah, but... - No buts, Mickey.
I'll think about the bracelet.
Meantime, I've got a lot of work stacked up.
And so have you boys. I'll see you there.
(LEANS ON LOW NOTES OF PIANO)
Dad! Dad, you're here!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Of course I'm...
Of course I'm here! Why wouldn't I be?
- Did you do it, then, Dad? How'd it go? - Not brilliant.
I'm surprised the Marx Brothers didn't make a film of it.
- The bracelet? - We've still got it.
- I'm thinkin', I'm thinkin'. - It doesn't matter.
- Oh, please, Gloria. - No, I don't mean that...
- I've gotta go to work. - What?
We're busy. Stuff booked in. I can't let people down.
- But Len, I... - We'll talk about it later.
I really haven't got the time now.
Rabbit, where's the rest of them? Never mind. Load those floral tributes up.
Come on, we're late already. We've gotta be back here in an hour and an half.
(SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS ON MOBILE)
- Yeah? - Mickey, it's Gloria.
Gloria!
- How are you? - I'm good...
- in the circumstances. - Yeah, yeah, sorry about...
Yeah, I know. Well, I've had another idea.
Yeah?
Ah, right, yeah.
As for those other two, I'm dockin' their wages.
Bonus schemes work both ways, you know.
Come on, Rabbit, get a move on.
- Oh, the invisible men. - Don't be like that, Len.
I've got first claim on their time.
Only when they're doing jobs for you, Mickey.
The exact reason we're here, hombre - there's a plan afoot.
- Len. - What are you doin' here?
- A "smash and give" raid, Len. - Smash and give?
We run into the jeweller's and instead of grabbin' stuff, we give.
- Her idea. - What do you reckon, Len?
Gloria, I've got a really difficult situation here.
- Len, you want this sorting out or not? - Yeah, I do, but...
Well, then, we've gotta go for it, haven't we?
- "We"? - Yeah, we.
We're gonna give that bracelet back, Len,
cos we don't need it any more. You're right.
We'll make ends meet some other way, but we're gonna get this behind us.
Fair enough?
- I think they call it closure, Len. - Yeah, I realise that, Oy.
Rabbit, you stay with me. Leonard, we'll... we'll work something out.
Right, everybody all set?
Carl, Oy, get in there, do the necessary and away. Two minutes, max.
- Any more and I'm off. - It'll be fine. Be fine.
It will be fine, Gloria. We've done this loads of times, ain't we?
We're pros, aren't we, Len?
- Oh, God! - You'll settle down, Gloria,
as soon as everything kicks off.
Steady... go!
LEN: Go.
Bracelet, bracelet!
Bracelet, bracelet, bracelet.
Quick, go! Go, go, go, go, go!
- Go, boys! - Shift it.
Right, everyone down! Do as I say and no-one'll get hurt. Now!
Now!
Oy, hang on. There's no-one here.
What are they doing in there? They should've been cleared by now.
- How long's that? - We're all right, don't panic.
Oh, God, don't let me get them into trouble as well. This is horrible, Len.
- Well, you wanted to come. - Hurry up!
- We've gotta help 'em, Len. - Don't be daft.
He's right, Gloria. They're what's called "cannon fodder" in the trade.
Something's happened... We've gotta...
- I'm goin' in. - Gloria, wait!
- MICKEY: You can't do that, Gloria. - Gloria!
Mickey!
Not the two of...
What's happenin'?
There's no-one here to give it to.
That doesn't matter. Dump the bloody thing!
- Oh, yeah, yeah. - I'm so sorry, I was busy
at the back of...
Get on the ground, face down, hands behind your head! Don't move a muscle
or I'll spread your brains all over the walls!
- Bloody hell. - Bracelet.
- Oh, yeah. - In the bag, in the bag!
Take!
Do it!
Thank you.
Well, come on, move it!
Come on!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Gloria! Gloria, wait! - Wait!
- She's got that bit wrong, hasn't she? - Well, it's her first time, innit?
(SIREN APPROACHING)
- Leg it. - Leg it.
- Usual hideout? - The parlour.
What? No, the bar.
The parlour. We've got work to do.
- IRWIN: Ah, Leonard, how did it go? - Terrible, but it's done.
What's been happening here? People been ringing in?
Actually, Leonard, a couple of other companies, friends of mine,
kindly agreed to help us out of our hole.
Thank God for that! So, where are we?
Oh, no! There's still two...
Rabbit, Oy, go and load up for the 12.30. Carl, you come with me.
- No, sadly, Leonard, they can't. - Can't? What do you mean, can't?
- Daniel's. - Oh, bloody 'ell! Crem! I'd forgotten.
Daniel's? What are you talking about? He's not on my list.
No, but he's on mine. I've squeezed him in, as you suggested.
Not today! I meant later. Squeeze him in Monday or... You'll have to rearrange it.
- No! - Uncle Irwin...
We all know Daniel, Len, and we wanna do him, so...
He's a customer, Carl. He pays the wages, pure and simple.
- Don't say that, Len. - It's true, he can wait.
Now, are you coming with me or not?
No, I'm going to go with Irwin.
- What? - Me an' all, Len. I mean, I like Daniel.
I knew his brother, and he was all right. I'm with Irwin too.
Rabbit?
This is... this is a sacking offence, this is.
- I'm going as well, Leonard. - Anyway, you can't sack the boys, Len.
- They work for me, as aforementioned. - Shut up, Mickey.
I've got a spare hearse, Leonard, so there's no need to worry about it.
- Just carry on as you see fit. - I can't believe you're doing this to me,
to the parlour. Don't you care about the place?
I think they do, actually, Leonard. I think that's the point.
They're in tune with this building.
- Greed has not clouded theirjudgement. - Greed? Me?
Well... why else do you think you're in this predicament?
I'm trying to make a going concern of this parlour, not ruin it, like you're...
No, you... you will ruin it, Leonard, you not me, because you don't understand it.
These woods and this varnish, those ledgers throb, Leonard,
with the lives of the people of this borough.
The Daniels, the Davids... and we are the honoured custodians of their memory.
And all who come through our doors know that.
They know the cherished history that their loved ones will become a part of.
And that is a comfort to them, and it is something that sharp-suited Americans
who think that bereavement is a small town in Texas will never understand.
It is something that your gods haven't a clue about it.
But it is something these gentlemen understand only too well.
Which is why we're off to bury a man of this parish, Basil Kramerenko,
brother of Daniel Kramerenko,
son of Willy Kramerenko and all the other Kramerenkos
who lie silently at rest...
between the covers of that book.
We're off to perform a service of remembrance, Leonard.
It is enough.
Can you get me Eddie and Bernie?
You what?
I need another favour.
- Here, Len, that must be it. - Two more.
- I've got calluses. - Well, calamine them later.
Here, lads. Here's the address. And pull your finger out.
We should've been there 40 minutes ago. Go, go, go.
This ain't no way to run a business, you know, Len.
Don't, Mickey.
I know crime has the prison bits, but you don't have to work as hard, do you?
Mickey, please, give me a lift with this one. One, two, three...
MICKEY: Actually, this one's not so bad, is it?
LEN: No, it's not.
- Oh, my God! - What?
He's fallen through. He's fallen right through the bottom!
- It's your stress points. - What?
You've stuck and pinned, haven't you? You should have mitred.
- Mickey, please, what am I going to do? - It's no bother, Len. Just put it back.
Of course! Of course! Not thinking straight.
You can't use glue. It won't have time to set.
Bugger!
Some pins...
Them little things won't be strong enough.
- You need a properjoin. - There's no time, Mickey!
It's a craft - you can't just knock 'em out.
Please... please, God, help me!
Help me. I've taken money off these people.
What am I gonna do?
We therefore commit his body to the ground.
Earth to earth, ashes to ashes,
dust to dust,
in the sure and certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life.
IRWIN: Leonard!
Irwin.
Lads.
- Finished at last? - Yeah, yeah, at last.
- Oy, Len, how'd it go? All right? - Yeah, good. Excellent. Fine.
- Yours? - Yeah, OK, I think.
Irwin!
I wanted to say... I realised...
Irwin, I realised I hadn't...
Oh, gentlemen.
I wish to thank you.
For the service, everything that you did.
Thank you.
And yourself, thank you.
Irwin... thank you.
Thank you.
Do you want me to give you a hand with him?
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry.
(THUD)
- (THUNDERCLAP) - I'm sorry!
LEN: I'm sorry.
Bloody hell! Have you been mud wrestling? Bathroom's filthy.
- No, I... - Len, listen, the car...
Don't worry about it.
I didn't know what to do in case it'd been spotted and...
You did right thing, just getting away from there.
I dumped it in the canal.
Right.
- Mickey'll understand, won't he? - Possibly not.
- Len, listen... - Gloria, we've got to sell the house.
- What? - GLORIA: What?!
I can't go on working the way I'm working.
It's not right.
I wanna go back to the way it was.
Well, it provided for things, didn't it? As long as we can clear our debts.
Yeah, all right, I'm ready.
What?
Charity, give me and your dad a minute, will you?
Gloria.
- Whatever it takes, Len. I'm behind you. - What?
And I'm not just saying that. I promise you. No more mistakes.
- I don't understand. - Len, I was trying to tell you.
All the spending I've been doing, all the buying, it was...
It was the payoff.
- Payoff? - For being the wife of a thief.
Len, I don't mean that to sound... It was...
I was...
Since I was 19, I've been the wife of a thief, Len.
And it was what we both had to do to cope with it.
The bad bits - the close calls, the months in hiding, spells inside.
Strawberries and champagne, holidays on the Costa.
"Treat yourself, Gloria. Go on, let your hair down, buy yourself something."
It was the deal...
with you and me, Len, and the life we lived.
And it had to be like that.
You wouldn't tolerate it otherwise.
So why are you telling me all this now?
Cos of last night.
I waited for you, Len,
just like I used to.
And I worried, just like I used to.
Only it wasn't how it used to be -
it was worse, it was... more horrible than it had ever been before...
...cos...
That my sparkling, honest, trying Len
should get caught and taken away from me again, that was...
inconceivable.
And that's when I realised.
It wasn't the wife of a thief sitting there in our kitchen.
It was just the wife...
of this bloke... worried sick.
And all that other stuff - all the excitement, the fear,
the mad spending, all of it -
it's not fitting any more,
cos the parameters have changed.
There's just you and there's me
and there's our girls,
trying to get by in a hard world.
And when I realised that, Len,
I knew exactly who I was...
...and what I had.
And it is enough.
IRWIN: Excuse me.
- Uncle Irwin! - Oh!
(IRWIN CHUCKLES)
- What are you doing here? - Don't look so worried.
It's simply a social call.
I wish to reply to my invite to Hope's wedding in the affirmative
and to give you this.
- What's this? - Productivity bonus.
But I thought...
Exactly! That's for reducing it and seeing sense. You're due a pay rise anyway.
- Am I? - Oh, indeed.
You're almost the thing itself, Leonard. You've earned some encouragement.
GLORIA: Len?
Irwin!
Well, perhaps you'd like to use some of it for the wedding,
sort of be from me. The rest you could settle one or two things at home maybe.
IRWIN: Oh...
Almost... not quite.
You really are quite delicious, you know.
(SPLASH)
Take that.
What's that?
- What does it look like? - No, I mean, how come?
It's my stuff, Carl. I'm moving out.
Wa-hey! Giddy-up! Woo!
I can't sit here twiddling my thumbs while he decides if he wants me or not.
- It won't come to that. - GLORIA: Won't it?
No-one messes around with my daughters. No-one!
Hi. Guess who.
Bugger forgiveness! Anger, Faith. That is it! Anger.
Leonard is not a violent man.
Get off, Carl! What do you know about forgiveness?
- How do you do it? - Do forgiveness?
Nothing's happened, has it, Len?
- Nothing bad? - Depends on your point of view, Matisse.